I Need To Be Honest

I NEED TO BE HONEST 

Saturday 6th May 2017. 

The day I was officially diagnosed with depression. 

Yep, you read it right. I never thought I'd be the sort of person to write a post on such a personal and touchy subject. But here I am.

I knew it deep down but never wanted to admit it. When your told by your GP that you have depression, you don't know how to feel. Do you feel relieved you finally have a diagnosis and can get the right help? Or feel numb and like you've let yourself and your family down? For me, I was speechless. Even though it was explanation for how I was feeling, I felt like I was a failure. There are people in much worse situations than me, yet here I am getting diagnosed with depression. 

When my GP asked if I had been through any traumatic experiences in my life, I said 'how long have you got?' I went through absolutely everything from the last 7 or so years and he was gobsmacked. He actually said 'You've been through more traumatic experiences in your young life than most people do in a lifetime'. I think that says it all.

I'm not going to go into detail about all of the things that have caused this as I don't really feel like the world needs to know all of it. I have posted about a few things on Twitter about things that have happened recently but I have kept the majority of it to myself. 

Trying to explain to people how you feel can be very difficult. Most of the time, the response you get is 'mental illness isn't a thing', 'oh cheer up', 'you haven't got a physical illness, your fine'. I can assure you, mental illness is a 'thing' and it can affect you physically to. It can cause you to have little or no appetite, have no sleep and in some cases, self harm. And if it was so easy to just 'cheer up' I wouldn't be in the position I am now. Before you say any of these things to people who are suffering, just take a moment to thing about what comes out of your mouth, you don't realise how much it hurts.

Initially, I only told close friends and family whilst I was getting to grips with what I had been told and focus on getting support. I am waiting for a callback to be assessed over the phone to see wether I need online, over the phone or in person counselling. Which terrifies me. A lot. I've been to counselling before and it sucks. The minute you walk in, you feel like your being judged. That your crazy and that your broken. Hopefully it won't be the same this time round.

I am currently on 100mg Sertraline. I was on 50mg but my Doctor upped my dosage as he wasn't very happy with my progress when he saw me for a review of how I was doing. This made me feel like I had just gone 10 steps back, which made me feel worse, which then also affected my outlook. I know it just means I need a bit more help and support right now but it just made me feel like I had already failed before I had eventually started. 

As of right now, I'm not in the best place. Tablets aren't going to fix all my problems and my depression isn't going to disappear overnight. Its going to take time, I know that. But I know I have support from my family, friends and my GP. So if I don't reply to a message or something straight away, its nothing personal, I promise. Just sometimes I'm feeling so down I just don't want to talk or go out. I don't want to push anyone away, because thats not my intention at all. When I feel the way I do, and ask to be left alone, its not because I don't like you or anything, I just would rather be left to it than snap and cause an argument. Im sorry.

I'm sorry this was such a long post. I never had any intention of writing a post about this, but I have kept how feel to myself for over half a decade. And putting on a brave face for that long is exhausting. 

Finally, I want to thank a few people who knew and have been the best support I could have ever asked for. Alyssa, Laura, Mitch, Steph and Luke. And finally, my immediate family. You all don't realise just how much you have helped me. Constantly being there for me, making sure I'm okay and just been there for me. I love you all so much and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. Really. I can't thank you all enough.

Rach and Beth. You are both the best friends I could ever ask for. You couldn't have done more for me if you tried. I love you both x

I hope you all understand and I'll speak to you all soon.

All my Love

EleanorAbbey x

Social Media
Twitter: EleanorAbbey93
Instagram: EleanorAbbey93
YouTube: Eleanor Hawthorne